This love stuff. It’s confusing. I keep having completely different reactions to the ones I expect to have. This ‘being in company with someone all the time’ thing, for example. I mean, I hate that. Or, at least, I used to hate it. So I keep expecting to be relieved when I have an hour or two to myself, and then I find I’m not relieved at all and that confuses me.
Take yesterday, for example. As Martin has related we were at a party Saturday night (where I suspect we made a spectacle of ourselves, but whatever) and I ended up staying over at his place instead of attempting to make my way back home (and boy did I feel conspicuous going home Sunday afternoon in high heels and such, but never mind, I’m sure this is quite usual, it’s just not usually me…). After a bit of breakfast I decided I really needed to go home and take my contacts out. So I went home. And expected to get home and think ‘Ah, nice empty flat’. Whereas, on the contrary, I think I’d been home for about five minutes before I started missing him. Which is scary. It’s completely out of character and nothing like anything I’ve ever felt or thought before.
Don’t get me wrong, here, I’m not complaining. I’m loving this. It just scares the hell out of me, mostly because I want to keep feeling like this and I’m afraid I won’t. I have no rational reason to expect to stop feeling like this, except I’ve always ‘come to my senses’ and fallen out of love quite quickly before. On the other hand, this hasn’t begun anything like the previous times – that’s just the point, really – so why should it end the same way? Still. Scary.
Scary, but oh so lovely.
(And of course I ought to tell him this instead of writing it here, but then I’ve always felt more comfortable being candid in writing than in conversation – some things haven’t changed – and I have to find something to fill this blog with, don’t I? Besides, as good luck would have it, he can read.)
Aaawwww ;-)
She’s in love, nanananananaaaanaaaaaa! ~:oD