One of the things I am really good at is bullshitting. I mean I’m really good at giving the impression that I’m talking sense and fact when I’m seriously just making it up as I go along and really have very little idea of what I am talking about. Maybe this is a better candidate for my “pet sin” than anything else, I am, at least, a little dubious as to the wisdom of telling the world about this, as a lot of people might start wondering whether to take me seriously in future, and my employer might start wondering whether I really deserve the salary I’m getting (regarding the latter: just consider how useful this ability to spout utter nonsense that sounds like sense is in a customer-facing situation. It means I can give the impression of having all the answers just off the cuff and buy myself time to actually go off and check before comitting myself to anything one way or the other. Believe me, I’ve been doing this for all of my life, I know what I am talking about).
Let me give you an example of how this works: I tend to know a little about most things. I also know a lot about choice subjects (whisky and Jane Austen are two that spring to mind), but not necessarily the most useful ones. So I babble. At school I had a tendency to have a good grasp on history as “story”. I.e. I knew why things happened, what the consequences were of this that and the other and generally in which order they happened, too. However, I did not have any grasp whatsoever on dates and names. My brain just doesn’t pick them up easily and I couldn’t be bothered to work much at memorising them. So I got very, very good at writing essays without mentioning a single name or date, with sentences constructed in such a way that this omission seemed entirely natural and that obvioulsy I knew these facts and could have put them on paper if I wanted, but that I considered them to be too blindingly obvious to bother writing them down. With the result that I consistently got decent grades, not top marks, as for that I would have actually needed to include some names and dates, but not as bad as I probably deserved. And when, for once, I had sat down before a test and really learnt the relevant dates and names (the test was on the unified Germany – all I remember now is “late 19th C.” and Bismarck – actually, I didn’t remember Bismarck, I had to go look the name up just now – given time I probably would have remembered – I do most days – but I couldn’t be bothered to wait) and put as many of them as I possibly could into the essay and was rewarded by an excellent grade and the unforgettable comment from my teacher “This is what I have been waiting for, Robin. I mean, I know you always know all these facts, but normally you don’t manage to put them down on paper.” Yeah, right.
Anyway, Saturday night I found myself spouting bullshit again. I was at this party and somehow or other one of the guys found out that I worked with computers and wanted to have a long, involved discussion with me about OSs and such. Well, you know, always happy to oblige and all that. Just as I was admonishing myself (though silently, of course): “Where did all that come from? You know you have no idea what you are talking about, really, don’t you? Then why do you keep talking nonsense?” he started complimenting me on being really smart. Ok, so it was late and all, but still. The funny thing, of course, is that as compliments go it wasn’t very successful as, despite me mumbling some form of “Thanks”, a more accurate description of my thoughts at the time would be something like “You really fell for that bullshit? You poor sucker.” (Uhm, if you’re reading this, I apologise. If it’s any comfort, you’re not alone, I don’t think very highly of other people’s intelligence as a rule. I’m an arrogant bitch, really, you see. My outward sweetness – what little there is of it – is all a front.) It was quite an interesting discussion for a late night party conversation topic, though. (Geek, me? Whatever gave you that idea?) In fact it was a pretty good party, and a pretty late one, too, I got to bed at some point between 4 and 5 in the morning, but that’s beside the point.
Voice in mye head: Åge Aleksandersen – Eldorado