This is just not my year for the Christmas holidays. First, this new string of the flu virus just about kills me, and once I'm over that, I'm floored by the stomach flu. Yugh!
What's a nice home-dvd without the means to play it - and every other digital format (except laser disc). And I even like the colour - *g*
to the digital age! Finally, we can get cracking on editing all those photos and videos. Hee, cool, we can even digitise our analogue holiday stuff.
I'm shot up on the maximum dose of painkillers already, and my back is still killing me. Sombody please put me out of my misery! Or it would probably work (better) if you could just put (take) my misery out of me.
Mommy it hurts!
I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."
Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?"
He replied, "They're all nocturnal."
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"It's okay. I didn't believe in reincarnation last time either."
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied.
"We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Fair Trial
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says,
"Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
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A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A Goober named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.
Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (also a Goober) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're celebrating, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
A man comes into a restaurant at 6 o'clock in the evening.
"I want to have a coffee please." The waiter brings him the coffee, the man drinks it and afterwards, he orders another, then another, then another. Finally, at 7:30, the man has drunk 5 coffees.
Said the waiter to the man, when he took care of his bill, "When I drink so much coffee in the evening, I cannot sleep half of the night."
"No problem, said the man, I count until three - and then I sleep."
"And that works everytime?" asks the waiter.
"No, sometimes, I count until half past three."